Remember the first time you shaved and you realized how stupid you looked? That was the first lesson you learned – NEVER, EVER shave your beard. Unless you want to lose the most manliest manly thing about yourself. Okay, there was too much testosterone in that last line. Umm, no, I wasn’t over-compensating for anything.
The point is, beards are fucking regal. Don’t lose them.
Here’s a list of amazing facts about beards.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
Symptoms include nausea, feelings of dread, sweating and irregular heartbeat.
Nothing says ‘our ideology is better than yours’ like beard envy.
Yes, the great CIA tried to contaminate the Cuban leader’s clothes and shoes with thallium salts to make his beard fall of. In another instance, they even planned to spray hallucinogens on a broadcast studio right before Castro was to give a live televised speech. Desperate times and desperate measures, eh?
Before Princess Leia and her gold bikini.
Can’t afford the latest iPhone? Grow a beard!
In the Dixson and Vasey (2012) study on beards, it was observed that women found men with beards to look older and appear to be of a higher social status.
This is why most vampires are clean shaven.
Everyone loves a free drink.
You gotta be a pro to grow.
This needs to be a thing again.
A man’s beard was seen as a sign of virility and honour. Why would anyone even think of touching it?
That moment you realize the ancient Romans made more sense than us.
To show that you were grieving, you’d leave your beard unshaven. Obviously, since at a time like that, grooming your self wasn’t the first thing in mind.
Fighting the good fight.
Something lazy people can look forward to.
When you add up the numbers…
He’d spend more time if he took his phone in there with him. For selfies, you pervs.
Hoplite must-haves: spears, shields and razors.
Alexander believed beards were dangerous in hand-to-hand combat and made all of his men shave. Within time beards would grow back, only this time soldiers kept them to display their lack of fear in times of war.
Because they didn’t have emoticons back then.
Come to think of it, Vampires could have really exploited this.
A study by the University of Southern Queensland found that facial hair can block up to 95% of the sun’s harmful UV rays. Not to mention, also help prevent visible signs of ageing around your face, head and neck.
Fine, take my money and shut up.
In 17th century Russia, you could be taxed for 100 rubles a year for having a beard. This tax entitled you to a medallion you could carry that said – ‘The beard is a useless burden.’
‘Dear President, could you please be more badass?’
“You would look a great deal better, for your face is so thin.” This was written in a letter by 11-year-old Grace Bedel to Abraham Lincoln, asking him to grow a beard.
This explains so much.
The next time you go to a pub with girls around, make sure you’re not seen stroking your long beard to long much. They might mistake you for some sex-starved creep.
Only the luckiest of people find their purpose in life.
As far as people who are still alive go, the longest beard belongs to Shamsher Singh from Punjab, whose beard was 6ft (1.83m) long the last time it was measured. The record for the longest beard ever, however belongs to Norway’s Hans Langseth, whose beard was 5.33m long at the time of his death in 1927.