My Girlfriend and I Reviewed 5 Condoms On The Indian Market For World Aids Day

I loathe condoms. If I had a dollar for every time I went limp just tearing the wrapper open, I’d be buying Virgin Atlantic for pocket change. Having said that, I use them every time because I know the virtues of practicing safe sex. The one I use daily is Durex Regular. So when my editor asked me to review condoms for World Aids Day, I agreed. Call that journalistic integrity mixed with a sense of curiosity about what exists for the Indian palette. The Sherlock in me needs answers. Answers to questions regarding the perfect trenchcoat. Statistics say Indian men have sizes ranging from 3 inches all the way to the 5 incher (African American readers don’t laugh). This is a quest to find a stellar love glove and I’m on it.

What does it take for a condom to rouse aspirational value within a man who would rather not go than go gloved? Glow in the dark condoms? Ultra thin blueberry flavoured? Ribbed with real shavings of orange like minute maid but sheath version?  Join me on this as I try a bunch of different condoms with my girlfriend. Since I’ve had barely two days to review these bad boys, I’m drained like a pipe, but loaded with info that might affect your latex decisions.

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Rating system:

1) Anti stimulating
2) Tingling
3) Moan monster
4) Three Toe curler
5) A Rubber to remember

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More From 101 India: Have You Ever Tried Buying A Condom In India?

1)The Kamasutra Strawberry

How ironic that while I put it on, Coldplay’s “Strawberry Swings” plays, with me dancing my covered Johnny left to right like a pendulum for amusement. The way I see it, this condom only exists for the fruit ninjas. For me it did nothing but smell nice, after I took 5 minutes to put the damn thing on that is.

Her: There we were, both of us examining it and stretching the condom like we’re part of a lab science experiment. Sexy right? The thing kept slipping off because of the extra lube. I enjoyed the foreplay because I am a strawberry fan and I’m assuming that’s why he bought the flavor. Even though I’m more of a naturale aroma person, it did taste berry-ish but the sex was pretty vanilla except that I still smell like a strawberry farm.

Overall Score: Tingling

Price: Rs.50 for 8 condoms

2) Durex Ribbed & Dotted

I call these ones Braille for the horny: you won’t see it coming. Within a few seconds of dots and ribs, I could tell it was really speeding her up. 0 to 100 in 4 seconds, Maserati you listening? And suddenly it felt much warmer than the previous condom which is when I realized these ones have a heat activated climax delay lubricant. I felt like I was putting my sergeant into a warm pie, and as the box promised, I lasted so much longer than before! If I had to choose one condom to be the ultimate rubber for the generation, it would be this one. Especially if she loves you dipped in chocolate with sprinkles like a McSwirl.

Her: It felt like that kneading spa massage treatment. The raised dots and ridges are an extra. It was exciting, it was almost unreal. Definitely one of the best. How about they raise the dots even further?

Overall Score: Rubber to Remember

Cost:  Rs.150 for 10 condoms

More From 101 India: The Backseat #6: Paging The Sex Teacher

3) Trojan Ultra Thin: Today if it comes thin, it’s super in. TVs, Ipads and latex raincoats. This prophylactic is definitely a blessing from the latex gods. Couple of pros: It doesn’t feel like you’re  wearing anything, so feels like you’re going raw; It allows you to breathe by being as little latex as possible; it comes with extra lubrication! A downside is that it’s so thin that it might just break if you go hammerhead style.

Her: There’s nothing like going raw or atleast coming close to it. I loved it. I’m not a lover of latex but this one I could definitely make an exception for.

Score: Moan Monster

Price: Rs.50 for 3

4) Nirodh: If you fashioned a wet bubblegum layer to cover yourself, that would trump Nirodh. This one is so sub-standard, yet so popular among the masses. From the look and feel, it’s safe to say I’d rather make my own than use this. Nirodh is designed for the average Indian male who’s size they presume is 2 inches long. I don’t mean to brag, but that shit just did NOT fit. I tried everything: my girl and me playing tug of war to elongate the condom; fitting it onto a big pineapple; blowing air into it. I eventually wore it on my pinky for good measure.

Her: I was clear I didn’t want that thing going anywhere near me. it was pretty bad. And the lubricant seemed very thick.

Score : Anti – stimulating

Cost : Rs 5 for 1 condom

5) SKYN

If you’re “allergic to latex”, check out your best alternative made of polyisoprene: which the official website calls “a clever – not to mention sexy – material”. When I put it on, it felt strangely feather-light. Not that I ever rest a feather on myself to test its weight. It kept coming off because of slippery thin “skyn”. The size was perfect though, much to my surprise.

Her : While it was super lubed up, the damn thing would keep coming off. I hate those interval pit stops. Eventually I took it and flung it far away. We could do that cause we had a whole bunch of alternatives sitting on our bedside waiting to be tried on.

Score : Tingling

Cost : Rs.100 for 6 condoms

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