Want my fashion advice? Wear whatever you want

Every few months a publication will trot out an op-ed on women’s fashion, laden with judgments and subtle body shaming. Last week’s “sexy v skanky” offering was no different, and it’s getting boring, writes Deirdre Fidge.

There are several things I would rather do than read someone’s hot take critiquing women’s fashion choices.

These include but are not limited to: clearing the mystery piles of garbage in my storage shed, sorting this garbage from my shed into piles, painting all the walls of the shed with a tiny paintbrush and then watching the paint dry on my shed. Then, saying the word “shed” about 50 more times until it has no meaning and the fumes from the confined space make me dizzy and where am I?

Sadly for all of us, this isn’t my blog about sheds (Ready Steady Sheddy dot com, which oddly seems to be attracting very little traffic). This is about boredom.

Every few months without fail, a publication will trot out an op-ed on women’s fashion, laden with judgments and subtle body shaming. Presumably designed to attract controversy and clicks, the piece will usually follow a standard formula: personal anecdote, quote from a person that works literally anywhere near the realm of the fashion industry, and then ends with some very clear-cut clothing rules for us to follow.

Recently an article followed this formula, and explored the incredibly nuanced and highly intellectual theme of what it means to dress “skanky”.

Apparently sexy and skanky are in close competition with each other, like Batman and whoever he happens to be thwarting at the time, let’s say the Penguin.

It is a constant and challenging battle between sexy and skanky, as it is very important for human women to be sexy at all times, but we can’t go too far with our heaving bosoms and distracting limbs.

Cross the line and you end up being the sluttiest Penguin that Gotham City has ever seen.

Apparently it’s all about balance. If you want to show cleavage, cover up your legs. If you want people to see your glutes, make sure your elbows are hidden. To really highlight your thighs, chop off your head.

Aside from the fact that policing women’s clothing choices and bodies is really offensive and outdated, it’s just really boring.

Nobody cares about whether you think leggings are pants or not. It’s really dull being told what to wear all the time. That “edgy” opinion you have is really just boring.

So, here’s my slightly amended version.

Here is a personal anecdote* (*may or may not be a true event) that involves me being at a party. I had a wonderful time chatting with my friends and hearing about their lives. Some of them wore space suits and others wore flannel shirts and nobody cared.

We all danced and some of us jiggled and some of us didn’t and it was fun. Nobody judged one another on appearance and the table was covered in a large cheese platter and seven dogs were there and it was the best night in the world.

Now, here is a quote from Gottfried Böhmerboot, who is definitely a real person. He works for a factory that makes the plastic security tags found on clothing in department stores.

I asked him for his views on skanky clothing, and he responded with, “Ich spreche kein Englisch”. I have faxed this off to a translator and hope to receive a response by the end of the week.

Lastly, please find below some strict guidelines for fashion that are to be followed at all times. Please note, I have sent copies to the Federal Police, the Defence Force and ASIO should there be any violations.



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