Men, you can try learning Spanish, French, German, even the thousands of alphabets in the Chinese language. But if there’s one thing you will never be able to learn, no matter how much experience or practice you have, it’s the universal language that all women speak. While single men still have an exit plan, guys in committed relationships, unfortunately, have absolutely no hope. Because women say something and mean something completely opposite; then they say something which means exactly what they had said initially. It’s all much too confusing. But forewarned is forearmed, and here are 25 tools that womankind is prone to using, time and again, to stump us.
1. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Your Anushka doesn’t want you to bother her at the moment. She’s still gathering some hard hitting evidence against you. You can choose to be a Braveheart here and try talking it out while she’s still in thinking mode. But be very careful. If you’re even a little late, it’s going to backfire. Badly.
2. ‘We need…’
Your Bipasha wants! Don’t be fooled. There’s nothing like need. It’s always want.
3. ‘I’m not upset.’
She is very upset. 500% percent up from what she normally is. Don’t even try convincing yourself that she isn’t, and start thinking about your next move already.
4. ‘You have to learn to communicate.’
In simple guy language, this translates to, ‘You need to start agreeing with me more often’. A non-complicated simple response here would be ‘Yes, baby/sweetie/jaan/love/honey.’ Do not, at any cost cross, question her.
5. ‘Do you have to do this now?’
Translates to ‘Stop doing the shit that you have been doing and do something more worthwhile’. I’m keeping 2 minutes of silence for you if you responded to the question in the affirmative. Damage control will be quite difficult.
6. ‘Thanks a lot’
Sarcasm, men, sarcasm. Do not fall for this by responding like you generally do. This is a ticking bomb wrapped in a ‘thank you’. It is also possible that a wrong answer here will lead you back to a sly ‘Whatever’. Explained later.
7. ‘Don’t worry about it’
You have to worry about it. Leave everything and worry about it now! She has told you to do a particular thing twice now, and she’s going to do it now. Keeping mum, or apologising now is your best bet. Remember, you’re standing on marshy land right now, so don’t say anything else and make it worse.
8. ‘We can go anywhere you want’
You must take her to her favourite restaurant. That should be where you want to go. Next.
9. ‘What are you doing?’
Whatever it is that you’re doing, you’re doing it absolutely wrong. Ask for her guidance immediately.
10. ‘We need to talk’
This is like ‘fine’ except that it’s significantly worse. Noble men are still researching a suitable answer for this one. Till then, hold on, dear men.
12. ‘5 minutes’
Flexible. Depending on the situation, of course. Can be anywhere between 35-40 minutes if she’s getting ready. Can be closer to 0-1 minute if you’re watching TV or playing video games. As in, ‘You’re still watching/playing that stupid thing? Why don’t you come to bed/ do something else?’
13. *Loud Sigh*
Warning alarm. You might not think so, but this is a word. Can be roughly translated to anywhere between ‘I can’t believe how stupid you are’ to ‘I’m bored of your stupid friends’ party’.
14. ‘It’s up to you’
Sadistic pleasures, I tell you. Don’t be naive. It’s not up to you. It was never up to you. Do not mistake this for freedom of choice. You don’t have it. A much better translation would be, ‘It’s up to you to select the right choice that I know, but I am not going to tell you because you should be knowing it too.’ Making the wrong choice will usually result in an ‘It’s fine.’
Still, ‘No’. Don’t waste your time, it’ll never be a yes.
16. ‘It would be nice if…’
Everything following if needs to be taken absolutely seriously and interpreted as an unconditional order.
17. ‘It’s fine’
Translates to ‘This argument is now officially over, and yes, you have lost.’
18. ‘It’s okay’
It’s never okay. She isn’t happy with you, and she’s just taking some time to figure out your punishment.
19. ‘Are you even listening?’
You are clearly not paying enough attention to what she’s saying. This is like entering the black hole – neither can you expect nor can you avoid what happens after. Recovery chances are also frighteningly low.
20. ‘Do I look fat in this?’
NO! Categorically no. The questions can vary, like – ‘Have I become fat?’ ‘Do I look funny?’ The answer should always be NO.
There’s definitely something and time is running out. You better figure out, before it starts bothering her more than it should. Tricky time awaits on this one, and there’s no running away.
22. ‘Go ahead’
Abort the mission. I repeat, abort the mission. Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, it’s always a dare. Don’t do it. You will lose.
Even this, in most cases means ‘No’. There are exceptions of course, but they are nearly impossible to distinguish.
All the best in the future, comrades.